Okay, so this isn’t anything blog-worthy yet, but “it’s welling up inside me so much I wonder if all my blood valves will just burst into a gruesome mess on my living room floor”. And with that kind of un-grammatical sentence for an introduction, you know it’s important.
This “note” has been the result of several conversations I’ve been having with people recently, and the jumble of thoughts in my own little brain. Perhaps they have been jumbled in yours, too. So here is an inside view of a recent monologue I had with a very listening friend. (You know who you are, so thank you!) It’s mostly in an “instant message” format, so forgive my long sentences.
“Yeah well I’m super ticked off with myself right now anyway…been reading the Bravehearted Gospel and realizing my “faith” isn’t really faith. It’s not the faith that causes me to follow God to a new country like Abraham, it’s not a faith that would have me march around a wall for a week, it’s not a faith that deep down causes me to tremble at the magnitude of what I’m believing in–trembling not in fear but in awe, you know.
And because of this, I also tend to not really follow God as closely as I should–because if I really believed that this God is as mighty and as knowledgeable and as splendid and WORTHWHILE as He claims…I would be obedient the way He desires.
Not that I’d never have any struggles.
Not that life would be shiny and smooth.
But I’ve been having these torrential doubts about what I believe. they keep making me question every single thing…and through all this I want to KNOW that what I claim I believe, I am in all the way. If I’m gonna believe something as incredible as God’s relationship with us, and as absurd as how He (this holy, pure, amazing God) desires a relationship with us…then for me it’s gotta be all or nothing. I can’t do this halfway thing.
Everything is so jumbled in my little pea brain right now…I have so much left to sort. All I know is that currently I’m in huge process of finding out what it means to really have Jesus as Lord of my life. Not just the comfortable element of knowing I’m going to Heaven, but learning also what it means to put evil to shame by living the righteous life that God desires me to live. Not merely keeping content with “Jesus loves me” but realizing everyone who does not accept that love will face the wrath of the Almighty God.
It’s welling up inside me so much I wonder if all my blood valves will just burst into a gruesome mess on my living room floor. WHY AM I AFRAID TO TRUST?
Why is it that I know very well that I am not the greatest thing the earth has ever produced…but yet I so often live like it? I know that there is something worth living for, that in all it’s entirety is far beyond human comprehension…but we still know it’s there.
Creation proclaims the glory of God. It’s so obvious!
Why is it that we all feel we must stand up for something more noble than ourselves, and defend a worthy cause?
How could this be if we were not the handiwork of a Divine creator who stamped His image across us, and whose seal of redemption is upon our souls?
How then…if all this is true and if my entire being is emptied of its strength at this recognition…how then, is it that I still cling to doubts, still resist reckless abandonment, still strive for adventure and remain unmoved?
Well…I want to move. Not literally moving-moving, but I want to be totally, utterly convinced that what I believe is absolutely real. I don’t want any doubts whatsoever. I want to be so certain that my God is who HE claims to be, that my only obvious response is to follow Him.
And you know, honestly, it seems like whenever you ask God for something, He always gives it to you in the form of dealing with its reciprocal. I mean, I want faith: I’m dealing with doubts. I want trust: I deal with waiting. It’s how it works.
So I suppose that should be encouraging…”
Alrighty, so that’s hairball #1. More later.
Essentially I’m just throwing these out for general feedback. You can love it, hate it, ignore it…whatever…but I have a feeling I’m not the only one who has been wrestling with this.
*soli deo gloria*